Still Searching for My Place
Still Searching for My Place
A Heartfelt Reflection from God’s Girl
Sometimes, I write these blogs just to process the chaos in my life—hoping that putting the words down might help me hear God’s voice more clearly. Today is one of those days.
Today, I feel lost.
Like I’m floundering.
Like I have no purpose, no clear objective.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
— Psalm 42:11 (NIV)
I served in the United States Marine Corps, and during that time, my life had absolute purpose. We had a mission. We had values. We had a code and an expectation—to be the best and always win. I didn’t wake up questioning my worth or direction back then. I knew why I was here.
But when you leave the military, that purpose doesn’t always come with you.
Most of us, if we’re being honest, lose our way.
I’ve been out since 1993, and every time I hit a season without purpose, I start to unravel.
So what do I do with that?
What do any of us do—military or not—when we feel lost?
For me, a song often comes to mind in these moments:
“Place In This World” by For King & Country and Michael W. Smith
The first time I heard it, I remember thinking,
“This is exactly where I am.”
Searching.
Longing.
Begging God to show me that I still have a place in this world.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
In 2023, I thought I had it figured out.
I launched God’s Girl with everything I had, believing it was what God wanted from me. But the truth? It’s not growing, it’s not profiting, and I feel like I’ve lost sight of the goal.
Then, in 2024, I moved. God said it was time for a change, and I trusted Him. I packed up my life and relocated to a place I’d never lived before. But now, over six months later, I still don’t know why I’m here.
There’s no clear mission.
No orders.
Just me… floundering.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”
— Proverbs 16:9 (ESV)
I took a job out of financial necessity. And while I think I’m doing well at it, it’s affecting my health. I don’t want to quit because I believe God placed me there—but I don’t know why. And that not knowing is one of the hardest things.
The only thing I know for certain is this:
I have to surrender it all to God.
If I don’t, I’ll just keep flopping around like a fish out of water—jumping from one thing to the next, trying to find “me” or “my purpose.” But surrender doesn’t come easy for someone who’s always needed control. I’ve tried to steer my own ship for so long because I had none as a child. That’s a story for another blog, but it still haunts the way I walk today.
Even giving God control scares me.
I’m okay when He speaks clearly—but the silence, the waiting, the patience? That’s where I stumble. That’s where I start believing that maybe everyone else gets to move forward and I’m just here to push them toward their purpose while mine sits waiting somewhere out of reach.
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways…”
— Psalm 37:7 (NIV)
I know that envy is a sin, but some days it creeps in.
So I remind myself:
I’m not where I was 35 years ago.
My children will never know the pain I did.
And that is no small thing.
That is grace.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”
— Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)
Jesus never promised this would be easy.
He never said the path would be smooth.
But He did say it would be worth it.
So today, even while I’m floundering, I will choose to trust.
I’ll choose to believe I still have a place in this world.
And maybe, just maybe, someone reading this does, too.